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Now that the holiday season has passed, please look into your
heart to help those in need. Enron executives in our very own
country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary
level ... right here in the land of plenty. And as if that
weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of it as a result
of the bankruptcy and current SEC investigation.
But now, you can help! For only ,835 a month, about
.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large-screen
projection TV), you can help an Enron executive remain
economically viable during his time of need. This contribution
by no means solves the problem, as it barely covers their per
diem, but it's a start. Almost may not seem like a lot of
money to you, but to an Enron executive, it could mean the
difference between a vacation spent in DC, golfing in Florida,
and a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is
nothing more than rent, a car note, or mortgage payments. But to
an Enron executive, will almost replace his per diem. Your
commitment of less than a day will enable an Enron executive
to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus
for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.
HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING? Each month, you will receive
a complete financial report on the executive you sponsor.
Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real
estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your
home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest
his golden parachute. Imagine the joy as you watch your
executive's portfolio double or triple! Plus upon signing up
for this program, you will receive a photo of the executive
(unsigned -- for a signed photo, please include an additional
.00). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of
other peoples' suffering.
HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING? Your Enron executive will be told
that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of
need. Although the executive won't know your name, he will be
able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator
just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.
YES, I WANT TO HELP!
I would like to sponsor an Enron executive.
My preference is checked below:
[ ] Mid-level Manager
[ ] Director
[ ] Vice President (Higher cost; please specify which department)
[ ] President (Even higher cost; please specify which department)
[ ] CEO (Contribution: Average Enron janitor monthly salary x 700)
[ ] Entire Company
[ ] I'll sponsor an Exec most in need. Please select one for me.
SPECIAL LIMITED TIME OFFER
Already an Enron supporter? Don't worry, in this troubled economy,
there are many executives who need your help. Ford today is laying
off 35,000. The NASDAQ is deflated. Now you can show your patriotism
and do something about it. The Invisible Hand will allow supporters
to substitute executives from any downtrodden company listed on
****edcompany.com. You will never own a Bentley, wear hand-tailored
silk shirts, or have a gentleman's gentleman; why deprive a worthy
executive from ascending, and more importantly, from maintaining
the lifestyle he so richly deserves? Imagine the feeling of satisfaction,
the pure joy of knowing that your sponsor ex-executive at the former
spiltmilk.com will be able to have his caviar and eat it too.
*It's just that easy -- do it now!* Please charge the account listed
below ___________ per day and send me a picture of the Enron executive
I have sponsored, along with my very own Enron "Keep America Strong,
Sponsor an Enron Executive: Ask Me How!" T-shirt to wear proudly.
Your Name: _______________________
Telephone Number:_______________________
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover
Account Number: _______________________
Exp. Date:_______
Signature: _______________________
Mail completed form to "The Invisible Hand" or call 1-900-2MUCH
now to enroll by phone. Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact
the executive they have sponsored, either in person or by other
means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters,
e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the executive you have
sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to
your generous donations. Contributions are not tax-deductible.
RESPOND: Feedback@humornetwork.com
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
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